


To Save Amid Despair

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Episode Tag, Episode: s02e02 In the Shadow of Two Gunmen Part II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-12-15
Updated: 2000-12-15
Packaged: 2019-05-15 20:01:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Toby is nearly mad with guilt, a friend stops by to help.  Sequel toNow I Lay Me Down To SleepWARNING:  Character Death





	To Save Amid Despair

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Title: TO SAVE AMID DESPAIR  
By: Gabrielle Aurelius  
Rated R for language and content  
Note: A sequel to "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep"  
Summary: Toby is nearly mad with guilt; a friend stops by to help.  
Thank you Dee for the encouragement *grin* I'm doing the "what if" idea :)  
Feedback always welcome

  
TO SAVE AMID DESPAIR  
By Gabrielle Aurelius

Toby Ziegler sat in his darkened office, his head in his hands.  So much  
had happened in the past day that he couldn't take it all in.  Still, the  
one thing he knew- the fact that made his blood run cold and his eyes blur  
with unshed tears- was that he was a murderer.  
Josh Lyman was dead because of him.  
Toby wrapped his arms around himself and rocked back and forth.  He hurt so  
much inside; the pain of guilt was worse than any physical pain imaginable.  
He had no protection from his own accusations.  His principles or his  
cynicism couldn't, as it had in the past, shield him from this.  
He wanted to rage at Josh- damn him for dying and leaving him with this  
guilt; he wanted to scream at him for letting go, and leaving the rest of  
them behind with only grief to replace where he had once been.  
But he couldn't-  
because Josh was dead.  
A sob escaped from his iron control.  He hated himself, too, for wanting to  
scream at Josh; it wasn't Josh's fault, none of it was- Toby was the one to  
blame.  He hated himself for all the nasty things he'd ever said to him.  He  
hated that in all his biting wit, in all the chances he'd had to speak with  
Josh, he'd never told him what mattered the most.  How much he'd valued his  
friendship.  And now, Josh's blood was on his hands.  
Toby beat his fists against his thighs.  He deserved to have been the one  
shot, the one who'd died last night.  Not Josh.  It was his own fault.  It  
had been Toby, not Josh, who'd ordered the tent to be removed; that same  
fucking tent that would have made it harder for the gunmen to aim at their  
targets.  
Toby hated himself for everything that had happened.  The tragedy could  
have been prevented if only the tent had been there.  If only he, Toby  
Ziegler, had not ordered it to be taken down.  
A soft knock on the door made Toby leap to his feet.  
"What?" he asked in a raspy voice.  He cleared his throat.  "What?" he  
demanded more loudly, his voice harsh in the silent room.  He wiped at his  
face, causing the tears that had been gathering in his eyes to spill down  
his cheeks.  
"Can I come in?" CJ asked softly.  
Toby stood there for a moment, attempting to pull himself together.  
"Yeah."  
CJ opened the door and slipped inside.  She shut it behind her.  When she  
turned around, Toby could see that she had been crying- that she still was  
crying.  Her wide eyes were red and moist, and mascara ran freely from them.  
  Her hands trembled and she looked about to collapse.  
"I did this to her," Toby thought, hating himself even more now, if it was  
possible.  
"Toby?" CJ asked in a quivering voice.  
Toby just stared at her, trying to imprint every trace of sadness and grief  
on his mind; he wanted to remember how CJ looked, he wanted to remember  
every tear, so that when he was alone he could remind himself what he'd  
done.  He wanted to make himself suffer for this for the rest of his life.  
"Toby, please," CJ said, a sob escaping on the last word.  "I don't know  
who to talk to."  
Toby shook his head.  "Not to me, CJ.  Don't talk to me, I'm not worth it.  
I won't listen, I'll just brush you off with some witty, sarcastic comment.  
I never listen and I never care.  I didn't even tell him anything, ever.  It  
was all just meaningless, everything I said.  Everything I *will* say."  
Toby realized he was babbling, but he didn't care.  He needed an outlet  
somehow to scream his guilt and frustration into the world.  He wanted  
everyone to know he did it, that he killed Josh.  Then he would see the hate  
surface in their eyes; it would match the hate he saw when he looked in the  
mirror.  
"Toby," CJ sounded on the verge of total breakdown.  
"I killed him," Toby hissed.  
CJ stared at him with her wide, tearing eyes.  
"Yeah, you heard me.  I killed him."  Toby was speaking in a rush of  
vehemence, his fists clenched, and his face pale.  "I was the one who made  
it so that the gunmen could get a clear view of their targets.  I ordered  
the tents to be removed.  It was my fault that Josh died.  I killed him."  
CJ stood before him, crying quietly.  She could barely handle her own  
grief, let alone Toby's.  Still, he was a friend and she was sure as hell  
going to try.  "You didn't know, Toby," she whispered.  "It's not your  
fault."  
"Who cares if I didn't know?" Toby yelled.  "Because of me, because of my  
stupid order, Josh is dead.  Do you get that, CJ?  Josh is dead right now  
because of me!!!"  
A sob escaped from CJ's lips.  "I know he's dead, Toby.  He died in my  
arms."  
Toby's rage suddenly plummeted.  It fell like a pebble and was enveloped in  
the sea of his grief.  "If only I hadn't told them to move the tent..." he  
trailed off, tears prickling his eyes.  Still, he refused to let them spill  
again.  He didn't deserve to grieve.  
CJ stepped closer to him.  
Toby flinched when she put a hand on his shoulder.  
"Let it out, Toby," she said gently.  "It's okay to cry."  
"No, it's not.  I don't deserve to."  Toby bit his lip until it bled.  "You  
don't understand, CJ.  I survived.  That's all there is to it.  I survived  
and Josh didn't, and I'm going to have to live with myself for the rest of  
my life, knowing that."  His eyes hardened.  "Rest assured that I'm going to  
make the rest of my life a living hell."  
CJ shook her head, her anger stirring.  "Listen to yourself for a moment,  
would you?  Where do you get off being so self-centered?"  
"What?" Toby turned to her, a confused look piercing his self-hatred.  
"I said where do you get off being so self-centered?" CJ put her hands on  
her hips and glared down at Toby.  "Joshua is dead, and you're in here  
feeling sorry for yourself."  
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself!!!" Toby shouted.  
"Yes, you are," CJ said.  "Instead of thinking about Josh and trying to  
celebrate his life, you're thinking about yourself.  What you did, and what  
you didn't do.  Toby, Joshua is dead!!!"  
"Don't you think I fucking know that?!" Toby exploded, yelling at the top  
of his lungs.  All his anger and hatred had finally snapped his control.  
Absolute silence filled the small office.  
Toby was shaking like a leaf, his face pale.  He backed away from CJ.  "I-  
I-" he stuttered, trying to regain his composure.  He fell quiet, unable to  
finish his sentence.  
"I'm glad," CJ finally said into the growing silence.  
Toby stared at her incredulously.  
"You finally let some of it out."  CJ was watching him shrewdly.  Tears  
trickled down her cheeks like afterthoughts.  "Some of your self-hatred came  
out with those words.  It's better than keeping it locked up inside."  
Toby felt so lost and drained that he sat down on the floor of his office.  
He covered his face with his hands.  "Please, CJ," he moaned.  "Leave me  
alone."  
"What, so you can get back to feeling sorry for yourself?"  CJ sat beside  
him.  "Friends don't do that."  
"Please," his voice came out in a whimper.  
"No."  CJ pulled a kleenex from her pocket and wiped her eyes.  "Look,  
Toby.  We all lost Josh; you're not the only one who feels his absence.  But  
you have to realize that what you're doing now is wrong.  Blaming yourself  
is not going to bring him back.  You are not the reason Josh died."  CJ  
cupped his face between her hands and forced him to look at her.  "Toby,  
whether the tent was there or not, it wouldn't have mattered.  These people  
set out to kill Charlie, and I doubt they would have let a small detail like  
that get in their way.  If they hadn't been able to attack us there, then  
they would have tried again, at another place.  Either way, they would have  
shot at us."  
Toby shook his head.  "No, CJ.  It's my fault."  
Without warning, CJ slapped him, hard and swift.  
Toby jerked back, more out of surprise than pain.  He stared at her with  
wide eyes.  "CJ- what- what did- why-"  
"To snap you out of your stupid, self-pitying tirade.  You're so  
infuriatingly stubborn sometimes, Toby.  It takes something like that to get  
your attention."  
Toby blinked at her, still clearly shocked.  
CJ sighed, her expression softening.  "Toby, please.  You know in your  
heart that this isn't right.  Blaming yourself will not bring him back; all  
it will do is prevent you from grieving for him.  He was a friend, Toby; he  
deserves more from you than this."  
Toby studied the floor, not wanting to look into CJ's eyes and see the  
truth in them.  He wanted to continue hating himself, and blaming himself  
for what had happened.  He didn't want to let it go.  If he did, then all  
distractions would fall away.  Last night would be real, and Josh would  
really be dead.  Instead of focusing on his guilt, Toby would have to focus  
on the fact that Josh was gone.  
CJ stood slowly.  She could see the pain written on Toby's face and knew  
that unless she helped him, he would never deal with it.  "Come with me,"  
she said.  
Toby looked up, surprised to see that she was still there.  "What?"  
"Come with me," CJ said softly, taking one of Toby's shaking hands in her  
own.  She pulled him to his feet.  
"Where?"  Toby trudged after her automatically, her gentle grip on his hand  
his only link to life.  
"To a place that will help you remember why it is that you should grieve."  
Toby nodded heavily.  "Okay."  
Toby and CJ walked through the quiet, empty office.  It seemed that no one  
had worked in the building for years.  The air had the heavy, oppressive  
quality to it that can only be found in places where laughter had faded and  
turned into weeping.  
Toby began to realize where they were headed.  "No, CJ, no."  He tried to  
pull away from her.  "I'm not ready.  Not now."  
CJ maintained her steady grip on Toby's hand.  "You need to go there," CJ  
said firmly.  "Until you allow yourself to grieve, you're going to get eaten  
up inside with guilt.  This will help you."  
Toby began to panic.  He shivered in the still air and desperately tried to  
break away.  "CJ, I'm begging you.  Another day.  Any day but today."  His  
voice came out in a barely concealed cry of anxiety.  
"That is exactly why you have to go today."  CJ put her other arm around  
his shoulders and hugged him, his hand still in hers.  
Toby was shaking with fear.  Some part of him realized that CJ spoke the  
truth, but he fought against it with all his might.  
Then suddenly, they were there.  
The shadowy room, empty and still, faced them like a silent reminder.  
Toby stared into the darkness.  He felt the power of his dread and loss  
building inside his chest.  With an inarticulate cry, he released his guilt  
and allowed grief to fill his heart.  
Toby dropped to his knees in front of the open door, sorrow overwhelming  
him.  He stared into the dark office.  Tears began to stream down his  
cheeks.  
Quietly, CJ stepped away from him so that he could be alone.  
Toby knelt before Josh's office and sobbed.  He curled up into a ball and  
rocked back and forth, his breath coming out in sharp gasps.  
"God," he sobbed, the tears burning his face.  "Oh God..."  
CJ went quietly into the abandoned office, disappearing into the darkness.  
Soon, the strains of beautiful music began to pour through the open door.  
Gradually, Toby stopped shaking.  He lay on the floor, tears still running  
down his face, and listened to the sole singer, the voice seeming to lift  
above all earthly cares.

"Ave Maria, Jungfrau mild,  
Erhöre einer Jungfrau Flehen,  
Aus diesem Felsen starr und wild  
Soll mein Gebet zu dir hinwehen..."

The words, though sung in German, flowed through Toby, the prayer of help  
and guidance breaking through his grief.  
The words spoke to him, through him, and soothed his pain.  He understood  
them- understood all that they were, their meaning, their essence, in his  
heart.

        "Ave Maria, Maiden mild,  
        Listen to a maiden's prayer,  
        Thou canst hear though from the wild,  
        Thou canst save amid despair..."

The haunting voice carried him with it on its path to heaven.  
"He loved this," a voice spoke quietly through the darkness.  CJ emerged  
from the shadows and leaned against the doorframe.  She closed her eyes and  
a tear slipped down her face.  
"I know," Toby whispered.  
CJ slid to the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees.  "Toby, why did  
this have to happen?"  She bowed her head, her eyes covered in shadow.  
"I don't know," Toby said quietly.  
"What makes people hate?  Why do they feel they have the right to kill?"  
"I don't know," Toby said again, softly.  "Maybe because they don't realize  
the beauty of living."  He got slowly to his feet and stood before CJ.  
"Come with me," he said softly.  He took one of her hands in his.  
CJ looked up at him, with her pained beautiful eyes.  Toby stared at her,  
trying to imprint every feature in his memory; he wanted to remember this  
for the rest of his life.  He wanted to remember this- her beauty, her  
sadness, her strength- Remember and be comforted.  "Come with me," he  
repeated gently.  He took her hand in his and pulled her to her feet.  
A small smile formed at the corners of CJ's mouth.  
Toby took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  
Then, hand in hand, they walked into the darkened office, into the heart  
and swell of the music, and disappeared in the shadows.  


The End

  

  


End file.
